So, I did something yesterday... that I've never done before and it was amazing.
I purposely and intentionally ran without a flower. Rather than deciding what I needed before my miles, I offered myself a different invitation:
To let it come.
To just be. To allow my run to serve as a blank canvas of which my miles and realizations would be painted along the way. To resist my urge to decide and then, perhaps, prematurely and unknowingly guide myself towards what I 'think' I needed... and instead, let my mind and miles take me to where I actually need to go.
Apparently, here's where I needed to go yesterday :)
I'm feeling like we spend most of our days, weeks and years and essentially, LIVES becoming. We become the next thing, title, status or role. We become the next adventure or opportunity or choice that we should take. We become the next version of ourselves that we have worked so hard to achieve. We become what people think is good and right for us. And then, for a myriad of reasons, we strive to become an even better and more efficient version of that role. We are so damn capable, after all. These roles slowly become our identity, and within our identities come expectations.
And it's almost as if the better we get, the deeper the ruts are that we create. And they become smooth, and the smoothness seems to lull us into a sense of relief and comfort. At least we can rest here. At least it's predictable.
I just spent the last hour snuggling with two very nervous little girls. Tomorrow is there first day of school. I put them to bed with smiles and giggles... and about thirty minutes later, they both came downstairs together... doing their best to hold back tears.
In near unison they said, "Mom, we're scared."
It was all they could do to get the words out before they both burst into tears. Like, hyperventilating-ugly-cry-the-world-is-ending, tears.
"Come here sweet girls. It's okay. You'll be fine"
"It's okay. You'll be fine." Those were my first words.
Even though they were both clearly not 'okay' and not 'fine' I was asking them to disregard all those internal feelings, instincts and emotions... I was tempting them to bulldoze right through them, like they didn't even matter. "It's okay. You'll be fine."