So, I did something yesterday... that I've never done before and it was amazing.
I purposely and intentionally ran without a flower. Rather than deciding what I needed before my miles, I offered myself a different invitation:
To let it come.
To just be. To allow my run to serve as a blank canvas of which my miles and realizations would be painted along the way. To resist my urge to decide and then, perhaps, prematurely and unknowingly guide myself towards what I 'think' I needed... and instead, let my mind and miles take me to where I actually need to go.
Apparently, here's where I needed to go yesterday :)
I'm feeling like we spend most of our days, weeks and years and essentially, LIVES becoming. We become the next thing, title, status or role. We become the next adventure or opportunity or choice that we should take. We become the next version of ourselves that we have worked so hard to achieve. We become what people think is good and right for us. And then, for a myriad of reasons, we strive to become an even better and more efficient version of that role. We are so damn capable, after all. These roles slowly become our identity, and within our identities come expectations.
And it's almost as if the better we get, the deeper the ruts are that we create. And they become smooth, and the smoothness seems to lull us into a sense of relief and comfort. At least we can rest here. At least it's predictable.
I just spent the last hour snuggling with two very nervous little girls. Tomorrow is there first day of school. I put them to bed with smiles and giggles... and about thirty minutes later, they both came downstairs together... doing their best to hold back tears.
In near unison they said, "Mom, we're scared."
It was all they could do to get the words out before they both burst into tears. Like, hyperventilating-ugly-cry-the-world-is-ending, tears.
"Come here sweet girls. It's okay. You'll be fine"
"It's okay. You'll be fine." Those were my first words.
Even though they were both clearly not 'okay' and not 'fine' I was asking them to disregard all those internal feelings, instincts and emotions... I was tempting them to bulldoze right through them, like they didn't even matter. "It's okay. You'll be fine."
I'm trying a new routine, first and foremost. Before diving into my work day, I've started reading for about 30 minutes. Not easy because there often little humans running around and it's noisy, but I've stayed committed.
HOLY crap. Now, I'm sitting here after 30 minutes of insanely good stuff by Rob Bell (author of How to be Here) and I literally can't handle the creative juices that are now flowing. I've got new thoughts, energy and ideas racing through my head... and anything I touch today will be BETTER because of it.
I move fast - often too fast - and I'm trying to create some habits that force me to slow down (and then move fast, lol) BUT, if I'm moving fast with greater purpose, then it will FEEL better. And more fulfilling. I've accepted that I actually don't have a slow button - well I do, but it's not pretty when I shift gears - which means I damn well better make moving fast feel as abundant as possible.
So there was that.
And then this. Last week I was having a conversation with a woman whom I greatly I admire. She does all sorts of amazing things with her talents and I look up to her a great deal. We were discussing some personal stuff I've been working on and how we might collaborate. I was talking (fast, of course) and then she stopped me, laughed and said, "Mel, I have to ask you - how are you doing this all?"
Here was my chance you guys. To DELIVER some profound bit of wisdom that would impress the socks off of her and make her think I had the secret to a perfect life. Go big, Mel... go big. So of course, here's what I said:
"I have no idea."
I work hard for my kids. I want them to see that if you pursue a dream with all your heart and soul, even when it gets tough, you can make a difference. I want them to see me fall and get back up. I want them to see me in times of struggle and indecision, so that when they get in a difficult, uncomfortable situation, they understand it’s part of the process. They know it’s not going to be easy, but if they push through, it’s totally worth it on the other side.